Land of the Rising DUMB
(We open with Nash typing on his laptop in his hotel room for MAGFest when JesuOtaku comes in. Nash feels she's watching him and looks over to her) Nash: Hi...? JO: Hi. Whatcha doing? Nash: Trying to come up with a topic for my next episode. Wait, why are you in my hotel room? JO: You think Channel Awesome's gonna spring for separate hotel rooms at a con? They got us stacked in here six deep. Nash: Oh, wonderful. Wait, is that why Jew Wario was in the bathtub this morning? (Cut to Nash doing his "business" in the bathroom when J-Dub opens the shower curtain, hair and body wrapped in towels) JW: Morning! Nash: (falls over) Jesus! (back to Nash and JO) JO: No...? Nash: Look, love to chat, but this episode isn't gonna write itself. JO: Come on, there's this enormous convention going on downstairs, you cannot stay up here working the entire time! Nash: Unless you're aware of a magical land that cranks out crazy examples of mankind's folly on an hourly basis, this isn't getting done any time soon. (suddenly, a lightbulb clicks in Nash's head) JO: (deadpan) Oh no.I cannot imagine wwhere this might be leading to. Nash: Wait, you do anime reviews, right? JO: (still deadpan) I wonder where this is going? Nash: That's it, I'll do an entire episode about Japan! JO: (deadpan still) My surprise cannot be contained. I'm bursting with astonishment. Nash: And you're going to help me! JO: (still deadpan) I may die from the sho-- (realizes what he just said) What? (we cut to our opening sequence. after that, Nash is trying to keep JO in the room) JO: No, no, no! You wanna murder your own soul, leave me out of this! Nash: It was your idea! JO: What kind of crazy, backwards logic is that anyway? Nash: The...kind where I don't have to do this by myself? (giving her a nervous look) JO: Goodbye! Nash: No no no wait wait wait wait wait wait wait! You know Japan, you know anime, you know the pop culture, I need your perspective. JO: And I need to not claw my own eyes out in a fit of madness! Nash: Says the woman who reviewed Ikki Tousen, on purpose. JO: Point. Nash: Look, sooner I get this done, the sooner I can get downstairs and enjoy the convention. (praying) Please. (JO thinks on it, then gives her answer) JO: Okay, fine. But if I agree to do this, you have to promise to be on standby with a can of febreeze in case any of the fanboys try to touch me. (Nash ponders her bargain, then answers) Nash: Deal. JO: Fine then. While the history of Japan comprises one of the oldest and most refined societies in the world, it also involves an era of culture shock so jarring, as to make Western social upheavals look like a flame war over which incarnation of Optimus Prime is most awesome. Nash: As a result of this culture shock has led to Japan's two main exports: electronics, and sanity fracturing embolisms. Not following? Looks like this is the part where I elaborate. (puts his fist in the air) For great justice! (and JO gives him a dope slap as we go to our cartoon) A Brief History of Modern Japan Nash (vo): Japan's history stretches back for thousands of years, and it's a rich tapestry of social etiquette and feudal empires. The length and breadth of Japan's cultural heritage can, and does, fill more volumes than you can count. JO (vo): But even for all it's culture, Japan's formal relations with the outside world was limited to China, Korea, and other surrounding land masses of the South Pacific until the end of the 19th century. That's when the United States blundered into the picture. (Stick boys are standing on the docks as the crazy stick boy comes in on a ship wearing a tricorn hat) Nash (vo): That's when America decided-- JO (vo): Wo-ow. Who does your animation, Studio Pierrot? (the stick men look at her quite mad) Sorry. (then they go back to their normal emotions) Nash (vo): Ahem, as I was saying, that's when America established diplomatic relationships with Japan and proposed the Treaty of Peace and Anmity. While the negotiations were a complex story, the basic gist of the matter comes down to, um, well... (Crazy Stick Boy's ship's cannon pops up and blows off one of the other stick boy's heads, making the other wave a little American flag) Yeah... go USA. JO (vo): Japan bristled under the demands of the West for years, becoming resentful of perceived bullying by outsiders. Eventually, this led to a more strict Nationalist government and expansionism which... (trailing off) then led to... ahem. (Cut to Fawlty Towers) Basil Fawlty: Don't mention the war! JO (vo): Exactly. Nash (vo): In the aftermath of World War II, the Western influence on Japan grew exponentially. This was also coupled with a period of economic prosperity and social upheaval. JO (vo): Hence, you have two national aspects to Japan. On the one side, you have long standing social traditions, and on the other you have generations exposed to great, flaming gouts of Western excess with no context by which to interpret it. Nash (vo): The result is that Japanese pop culture is pure liquid crazy, (A shot of the Gundams from Gundam Wing) wherein giant robots, (girls' panties in a cup) schoolgirl's panties, (a man in a demon mask), ancient legends, (a picture of Eevee, Jolteon, Flareon, Vaporeon, Umbreon and Espeon), cute animals, (picture of Gamera) radioactive monsters, (a can of a disposable vagina, showing a hentai pic with the naughty bits blurred out) disposable vaginas in vending machines, (now showing the actual...product), all blended together in a morass of oh-god-make-it-stop. (Stick Boy is reading a manga) JO (vo): I feel like we're forgetting something? (tentacles come out of the manga, then do something nasty to Stick Boy blocked out by CENSORED) Nash (vo): You were saying? JO (vo): Uh, nevermind. (back to the hotel room) JO: Now before we go any further, we do wanna make the disclaimer that Japanese pop culture isn't any better or worse than ours. Every culture has it's elements of batshit crazy. Nash: Yeah, it's just that Japan has refined their batshit into weaponized form. While our culture can go nuts, some elements of Japan's pop culture can clock at making the Baby Jesus cry in under 1.6 seconds. JO: Oh, come on, that's not exactly fair. Nash: Really? Well it sounds like it's time to hit our first story where Tokyo suburbanites have come up with a new, cheap and efficient way to wash their pets. (JO realizes what kind of mayhem may happen) JO: (nervously) Please say it involves shampoo and love? Nash: It does not. (The report is titled "Pet washing machines not just fluff") Nash (vo): Yes, for only $5, you can make use of Joyful Honda's automatic pet washing machine, which will place your beloved companions in a small, enclosed space, and proceed to loudly spray them down with soap, water and a high power blowdry. JO (vo) What the hell? Did they just toss in a sheet of fabric softener while they're at it? And what do the pets look like when it's all over? (Nash comes in with stuffed animals on a coat hanger) Nash (using a hillbilly accent): Okay then, we got your full service wash and wax there with the undercoat and the pine tree freshener we threw in there. Uh, that'll be 10 bucks there. JO: (anxiously looking at the pets) They're not moving. Nash: Oh, yeah, that's the extra starch we threw in there for free. Either that or they're dead. Nash (VO, regular voice): Oh, but we can't just tell you about this atrocity. JO (vo): You don't mean..? Nash (vo): Yep, we got video! (A video is shown of a cat jumping frantically in the pet washer while Andrew W.K.'s "We Want Fun" plays) JO: Can I...? Nash: I was hoping to... JO: Why don't we both? Nash: Yeah, okay. Both: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? Nash: How in the hell does someone even stumble onto this idea in the first place?! What, were they just stuffing poodles into their Kenmore and taking notes? JO: And not only that, it's plain to see these animals are absolutely terrified! It's not like you can actually explain what's going to happen to them. For all they know, you just sent them to Kitty Auschwitz! (facepalm) Nash: In any event, how about you just start trying to save a buck and take care of your pets yourself. At the very least, they'll be less likely to burst into a psychotic rage and murder you in a fit of post traumatic stress disorder! JO: Yeah, see, I don't know how I'm supposed to give you any insight into that! Nash: Well, but hang on, we're just getting started. Let's get to our next story where a man has an innovative solution to a wasp problem. JO: Do you mean "innovative" or "going to make me sad?" Nash: Yes. (The report is titled "Japanese Professor Builds Elaborate Robot for Killing Wasps" Nash (vo): From Utsunomiya, Togichi Prefecture, Professor Sekine had a problem: wasps! So, like any of us, he handled the problem the old fashioned way: by building a wasp killing humanoid robot. JO (vo): That's strange enough, but he also decided the robot needed a mohawk...and boobs. Oh dear. Play the clip. (Cut to a skit from Robot Chicken where a professor's introduced a robot) Professor: Yes? Student: Can you f(bleep) it? Professor: Excuse me? Student: Can you f(bleep) it? Professor: No! (and that makes all the students leave) Nash: I'm kinda torn here. On the one hand, it's a T-800 for wasps. This is cool. On the other, well... JO: Why does an insect destroyer need boobage? Nash: Exactly. JO: Okay, well look at it this way. You're a male geek with the ability to throw together a destroyer of bugs out of spare parts at a moment's notice. Nash: Okay...? JO: That being said, under what circumstance are you gonna be able to interact with actual breasts at any time? Nash: That's hideous, but I'll accept it. JO: That's what she said. I mean, what's next? Nash: Kay then, next up, we have another invention that's bringing new innovation...to sucking. JO: What? (The report is titled "TagCandy: Augmented Reality-Powered Candy Sucking System") Nash (vo): Designers at Keio University of Japan recently introduced TagCandy, a vibration based system that augments popsicles by introducing sensations such as fizzing, crackling, or even fireworks or airplanes. Delicious! JO (vo): Also, when you bite into the candy, it then transmits sensations through what the articled describes as, "bone conduction," which sounds less like Willy Wonka and more like Michael Myers. You know, I'm kinda curious. Let's try this thing out! (JO has the laptop in her lap while Nash has what's meant to be the TagCandy) JO: Okay, are you ready? Nash: No. JO: Good! Try this one. (Nash gives it a suck) Nash: Mm, it's kinda... (he gives it another suck) fruity, yet pretentious and... (gives another suck) nonsensical. What is that? (JO turns the laptop to him and we're greeted with a clip of the Lady Gaga song, "Telephone") Nash: Weird. Okay, gimme another one. JO: Okay, let's try...this one. (she puts in a new flavor while Nash sucks it) Nash: Seems like something I used to like, yet... (one more suck) redundant and unnecessary. (Now we're shown the opening of Fullmetal Alchemist) JO: One more... hm, how about this? (Nash gives it a suck, then reacts in horror) Nash: Oh my god! JO: What? Nash: It's awful, it's like the most banal and soulless vacuum of evil! It's like a hellish invocation of hackery and darkness just draining the love and joy out of life itself! What was that!? JO: Um... (JO sheepishly shows him that it came from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen where Seymour is behind Devastator, balls swinging in the breeze) Seymour: I am directly below... (whispering) the enemy scrotum. (Nash looks at JO, then goes to the bathroom to puke his guts out while the Crying Game song plays) Nash: (distraught) I can't get the taste of Michael Bay out of my mouth! JO: Yes, well, I'm sure Megan Fox feels the same way. Anyway, we are almost through this, let's just go on to the next story. Nash: Right. The hate will make me more powerful. So, our next story is for all the gamers in our audience. What do you do when you don't have someone to game with? Why, you play with yourself! JO: That was awful! Nash: Don't judge me. (The report is titled "Only in Japan: a game you control with your urine") Nash (vo): Sega has introduced a new game in Japan that takes the "you are the controller" concept that one extra step too far. Toiretsu is a game that positions a special sensors in urinals that allow you to play minigames such as... well, I'm sure you can guess. JO (vo): The games include cleaning graffiti with a hose, which is your penis. Causing wind to blow up a woman's skirt, with your penis. Or one they titled bukkake battle which, well, penis penis penis. Nash: Yes, because that's exactly what we want young boys and grown men doing together in bathrooms: enganging in contests with their dicks. (JO's laughing at the reaction) What the fuck is wrong with you?! How did Sega go from Sonic the motherfucking Hedgehog, to extreme watersports championship?! JO: Well, Japan has a different take on sexuality and nudity than the West does. They're just more relaxed about that sort of thing. Anyway, it's not like they made a game about sticking your finger up somebody's (just to prove her wrong, there's an article for a game called Boong-Ga Boong-Ga) assohmygod! Nash (VO) Oh no. Way back in 2001, Japan did make such a game titled, "Boong-Ga Boong-Ga." The cabinet featured a large butt, and the game was played by stabbing it with a finger shaped controller, and a healthy dose of manic glee. JO (vo): Oh good lord. The side of the machine proudly invites you to "have a fun," and it gives you the choice of people to anally violate, including gangster, mother in-law, and prostitute. JO: Seriously? Have a fun? (cringing) By sticking your finger in your mother in-law's butt! I mean, who the hell thinks, "You know, I have a really stressful life! Honey, call your mom cause I'm gonna ram my hand up her ass!"? (and she facepalms) Nash: Now you're getting into the spirit of it! If you or anyone you know in need of probing the prostate of a total stranger with your finger in order to relax, you see a fucking shrink! You don't make a video game out of it! JO: Now... now that's... that's as bad as it gets, right? We're done, right? (scared) Please say we're done! Nash: We're done. JO: Thank god. Nash: Well, we're not actually done, but you said to say it, so I did. JO: I think I hate you. Nash: Not the first, won't be the last. (The report is titled "New Restaurant Let's you Pork your Pork") Nash (vo): Brace yourself, folks, this is the big one. From Tokyo, as reported by the respected Mainichi News, there exists a restaurant where you select your own live animal prior to the meal. JO (vo): That's no big deal. They do that with lobsters. Nash (vo): And then you fuck it. JO (vo): Well that's no-- (just realized what he said) excuse me, what? Nash (vo): And then you eat it. JO (vo): Oh, wha-a-a-a-at? (And JO's head blows up from the revelation) Nash: Happens to me all the time. Walk it off there, slugger. Nash (vo): While the exact details are sketchy, the fact that the Mainichi News reported on it lends credence to the article. In any event, yes Virginia, there's a place where one can pay to have sex with pigs, goats, dogs, or even chickens, and then have the animal killed and cooked to order. Kinda brings a new meaning to "have it your way," huh JO?JO? JO: (on the verge of tears) What the fuck is wrong with you!? Bad enough you are molesting these animals, but then you have them killed and then you eat them? I'm not a vegetarian, oh no, but I have enough regard for other living things not let the last thing some poor animal experiences being fucked by an asshole with too much money and nothing resembling an immortal soul! (shudders) Nash: So, uh, about that perspective on the culture there? JO: (grabs Nash) You go to Hell and then you die! Nash: JO, JO, I know it hurts, but I have a way to make it better. JO: How? Nash: By sharing our pain. (JO gets a wicked grin on her face as "My Heart Will Go On plays. their first victim is Luke Mochrie, who cringes at the story) Luke: Oh! (Obscurus Lupa is now reading the story, on the verge of tears, now followed by Sean Fausz) Sean: What the...? What the fuck is wrong with you!? (LordKat, though, just laughs at it like it's the funniest thing ever, then followed by Nella looking at the story, also brought to sadness, then another scene with Professor Otaku) Professor Otaku: No! Oh, what!? What? (LordKat's laughing at the story again, Lupa reduced to tears. Apollo Z. Hack looks over the story with his good eye, disgusted. Back to Luke double facepalming) Luke: Oh god, why? Why? (Lupa still can't believe it, LordKat's still laughing at it, Apollo's on the verge of throwing up, Nella can only ask "why", LordKat still laughing. Now they show it to Spoony who reacts in screaming horror and runs into the wall) (back in Nash's room) JO: You're right, that does feel better. Thank you. Nash: Nothing like invoking the bitter tears of others just whisks the blues away. Still, fucking Japan. I thought Florida was bad, but Japan makes Florida look like...Canada or something. Still, just, just awful. Japan, stop being crazy! JO: You know, you might not wanna be saying that stuff about Japan on the internet. Nash: What are they gonna do about it? (there's a knock at the door) Are you expecting someone? JO: No... (Nash goes outside to see who it is, and then looks down to see Domo, who pounces onto Nash's face, making him scream as he runs back into the room, bouncing on the walls) JO: Hold on, Nash, I'll save you! (JO proceeds to punch Domo on Nash's face, knocking him off, as well as Nash, who falls to the floor with a cuckoo clock sound) JO: You all right? (The two proceed to laugh about it, as well as JO doing some punches, only for Domo to now latch onto Nash's crotch, making him scream and stand up, mouth open in horror. He looks at JO, then Domo, then back to JO. JO shrugs, Nash is shaking his head no, when she knees him in the crotch, knocking Domo off and trapping him in a trash bin, while Nash sits on the bed.) JO: Are you okay? Nash: (high pitched) Oh yes, I'm fine! JO: Well, don't worry, we got him. It can't get any worse. (suddenly a loud thud is heard that launches the two into the air a bit) Nash: (voice back to normal) Why would you say that?! (the thud launches them up again) JO: I don't know! (and another thud!) (Nash goes over to the window and pulls the blinds open to reveal Godzilla who roars at them, Nash and JO quite scared. Linkara comes into the room and over to them, looking at Godzilla) Linkara: (in a southern accent) Now, what you got here is your basic radioactive monstrosity, circa maybe 1950, 1960. Little flame breath, little stomp and smash. Yep, see 'em all the time. Nash: What do you mean? Linkara: Oh, just a common critter, I cleaned up like two or three of 'em last week! JO: You mean you can do something about it? Linkara: Sure! Nash: Well? Linkara: If you're good at something, never do it for free. (Nash pays Linkara) Keep it coming. (then JO pays him) There we go. (he tucks the money in his shirt pocket) Let's see what we got round these parts. Ah, here we go! (he takes out the Dragon Dagger and plays the tune that summons the DragonZord. Linkara continues playing the Dragon Dagger as he uses it to fight Godzilla, Nash and JO's heads moving as if they're watching a kaiju fight) See, works every time. Let's see what we got here. (he takes out a pen and pad to write down a recept while humming a tune) There you go. There's your recept. And hey, you have yourselves a nice day. Oh, and by the way, (normal voice) this is not my real accent. (he leaves the room, singing a little bit) Silver wind... (JO and Nash walk back over to the bed) JO: Well, that sucked. Nash: Yeah, well, you know, I learned something. Japan may be messed up in terms of pop culture, but really, isn't every culture just messed up a little bit in some way? JO: You know what I learned? Nash: What? (JO punches him, knocking him out) JO: I learned you owe me 80 bucks! Sayonara bye-bye, nitwit! (and she leaves the room) Nash: (picking himself up, rubbing his jaw) Well, that's all for this week. This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so doess... (he looks to the trash bin where Domo was and finds it's tipped over. he then looks and Domo pounces his face again!) (the end credits play to Liz Phair's "Turning Japanese") Final quip: It's all fun and games until Spoony gives himself a concussion doing a cameo. Then it's hilarious. (now we get an outtake) Nash: Copies are missing! Linkara: Yep, this is what you get from a Nash operation: get missing scripts, bright lights in your face, you start to sweat a little bit, everything gets all stinky. (JO laughs offscreen) You got a cute anime girl sitting on the bed. Another manga guy reading from a script. She has the Batman logo on. JO: It's very culturally confusing. Offscreen voice: More and more. Linkara: Yep. (JO's laughing) Nash: Look at this! If you were the hotel staff and you saw us bring up this setup, you'd think we were up here shooting porn. JO: Yes you would! Offscreen voice: That's what I thought. Category:Content Category:Guides